Archive for December, 2009

“‘Where do you live?’ the middle aged businessman asked the nine-year old girl sitting next to him on the plane.  ‘I live with my dad in Oregon and my mom in California.’ ‘I mean, where do you live?’ the businessman persisted. ‘I live with my dad in the summers and my mom during school time.’ ‘I understand honey,’ he said, ‘but where is your real home?’ The little girl looked as puzzled as her seatmate. Then she explained: ‘I have two real homes. My mom’s house and my dad’s house.’”

This beautiful passage is quoted from one of the seminal works on family separation and transition, “Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Two Homes for Your Child” (Simon & Shuster, 1997) by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. All too frequently, however, children and parents facing separation and divorce do not experience this functional and smooth blend of acceptance, clean transition, new emotional and psychological boundaries, and renewed  attachments and bonding. Divorce provides a potential recipe for confusion about the presence or absence of one or the other of the parents.

In her book, “Ambiguous Loss: Learning To Live With Unresolved Grief” (Harvard University Press, 1999), Pauline Boss talks about how “The family event of divorce . . . can be better understood and managed by everyone involved if it is viewed as an ambiguous loss.” The marriage has been lost, for example, but parenting continues. It’s important to both validate and confirm to children this change in the marital relationship, and at the same time stress what remains the same in their family. Boss continues: “Identifying what has been lost and grieving it while also identifying the connections that continue in their lives is a healthier approach for children than simply saying, ‘Mommy and Daddy don’t love each other any more, but they will always love you.’”

What can make a divorce especially painful and difficult, according to Ms. Boss,  is the ambiguity and unresolved loss that often accompanies it. This can be exacerbated by the parents creating confusion as to “who’s in and who’s out” in the family. She gives the example of the family photo. How many times do parents, in their anger and grief, arrange to have the now-divorced parent excised from the photo? Other examples are parents who are uncomfortable attending children-focused events if the other parent is there; children who make the rounds of multiple homes during holidays. In the end, Ms. Boss notes, children become ambivalent about seeing the other parent because tension is so high.

As we approach and experience the holidays this year, let’s take time to look at what should be important and precious in all our lives: love, connection, acceptance, presence, continuity and stability, and family.

I hope you have a wonderful, peace filled Holiday and a happy and joyous New Year!

Don Desonier

“We take people at their most fragile, and set them adrift.”

No, this is not cocktail chatter between a divorce lawyer and a guest at a Christmas party. It is a line by George Clooney from his most recent film, “Up in the Air”. Mr. Clooney’s job is to fire people – he is hired to deliver this bad news by companies who are about to lay off their employees.

George Clooney could so easily be talking about where spouses and partners find themselves when they are entering the offices of a family law attorney. They can be vulnerable, raw, frightened, fragile, and feeling rudderless. Like individuals losing their jobs, people who are about to divorce or separate are facing the end of a big chapter in their lives. At the same time, they are transitioning to a new journey filled with uncertainty, anxiety and fear.

How their family law attorney handles their case can have a significant impact on whether these women and men have the experience of being “set adrift”. The lawyers can influence, define and shape the emotional climate or environment within which the divorce case proceeds. Is the other attorney viewed as merely “opposing counsel”? Is it important as part of their legal advocacy for attorneys to understand the authentic priorities and interests of their clients through careful and curious inquiry? Is what their partner or spouse wants of any importance in the discussion?

In a divorce matter, children’s emotional environment is most shaped by how their parents handle conflict and model respectful resolution. Their lawyers can provide them many cues. If the attorney approaches divorce as an adversarial process with an “us vs. them” mentality, then that is what it will become – a battle, a confrontation. As Abraham Maslow once said: “When the only tool you have is a hammer, it is tempting to treat everything as if it were a nail.”

In the December 2009 issue of the King County Bar Bulletin, a colleague and I co-authored an article entitled “The New (Decade) Lawyer”. You can read it here. In essence, we speak to the evolution of lawyers from gladiators and legal rights warriors, to conflict resolution specialists and efficient problem solvers. They choose to look at the big picture, and view effective and respectful settlement as mutual goal of both lawyers. And, clients are increasingly desirous of being active and involved partners in their cases. They expect their lawyers to be empowering, empathetic, sensitive to their true needs, and good listeners.

The days of “one size fits all” lawyering are behind us. Family law attorneys have the ability to be supportive and caring advocates to their clients in distress. Nobody needs to feel lost and adrift!