Divorce & Separation: Understanding Change & Transition

“Steve & Teresa”:

“When Teresa told me she wanted out of our marriage, the pain was unbearable.  The divorce left me devastated. It’s been two years now, and I feel like my life has been at a standstill the whole time.”

“Heather & Phil”:

“Phil and I were not happy. But I thought we were committed to working through things. So when he suddenly left me,  it felt like a slap in the face. I just don’t know how to move forward from here.”

In his book,  “Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes”, William Bridges states that whenever change occurs, a transition follows. Transition can be defined as ” . . . the internal emotional process we go through in dealing with a change in our lives.”1

Transitions, according to Mr. Bridges,  consist of three distinct phases: “The Ending”, “The Wilderness Period”, and “The New Beginning”.

The Ending:

In the above hypothetical examples, Steve and Heather have each  experienced an external change in their lives: the end of a relationship. This can be painful, filled with grief and loss. However, the “end” in these instances is the substantive event, and is, in effect, the starting point for the transition which must follow for  Heather and Steve to be healthy and to move forward.  That involves, among others things, a true “letting go” of what has ended.

The Wilderness Period

This has been variously described as the “neutral zone” or “down time”. Allowing oneself to grieve, experiencing anxiety and depression, facing uncertainty and lack of direction, are all part of wading through the wilderness period. And, it is an experience that is unique to each individual. There is no template. But for there to be healing and “resurrection”, this stage cannot be ignored.

I teach a  parenting seminar  in King County, WA. It is attended primarily by people going through separation or divorce. I am constantly emphasizing the experience of transition that parents and caregivers, and their children, experience.  Tools to help this transition be meaningful  are self-reflection, self-awareness and self-care. This “down time” is a critical step, the crux, as it were, of transition.

The New Beginning

Mr. Bridges states that you come to the new beginning only at the end – that is, only after ” . . . you have completed the ending and the wilderness phases of a transition.”1

When painful events occur, regardless of their source, “transition” is a critical and necessary part of healing, closure, and forward progress. Embrace it!

1.  “The Caregiver Helpbook: Powerful Tools for Caregivers”, 2nd edition, referencing “Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes”, by William Bridges.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010 at 5:03 pm and is filed under Divorce. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.