Archive for May, 2011

We are now in the midst of endings: to rain in the Northwest (we can only hope); to Seattle Mariners’ futility ( I’m a cockeyed optimist);  and of course, the most talked about ending of all – Oprah, whose last network broadcast was on May 25, 2011. I’ll admit I tuned in to this one – well, I recorded it for later viewing. There are very few celebrities whose singular name instantly speaks volumes to everyone world wide, and I’d say Oprah heads that list.

Oprah’s last show was very heartfelt and honest. She has a knack for making you feel she is speaking directly to you, and that you are the most important person to her right then, right now.

In the course  of the broadcast, Oprah made one particular observation that spoke very strongly to me. In speaking to the very human need for validation, she said:

“Every single person you ever will meet shares that common desire [for validation]. They want to know:

• ‘Do you see me?’
• ‘Do you hear me?’
• ‘Does what I say mean anything to you?’”

I have spoken frequently in my blogs about the importance of authentic listening, being heard, and being present to others by exhibiting true empathy and understanding. This is not only true in the context of a divorce or separation. It’s true in every day life.

So the next time you are with a loved one or friend, know that the only moment that is important is that moment of now – for after all,  the past is history, the future is a mystery, but this moment is a gift. That’s why they call this moment, the present.

The title to this blog entry is an observation once made by Muriel Rukeyser, noted poet and political activist (1913-1980).

Indeed, much of who we are and what we say is framed by stories. “Wow. Let me tell you about the day I’ve had!” “Tell me about yourself.” “Why did I decide to discontinue litigation in my family law practice? Boy, that’s a long story!”  Stories give us the chance to create a narrative, share our feelings, vent, connect with our listener or take them on a journey. After all, what are books? Plays? Movies? They are vehicles by which stories are told.

When a divorce client comes into my office, they are frequently filled with anxiety, worry, anger, fear, and pain. They want to know that it is OK to share their story, but are hesitant to do so. Why is this? Well, the perception is that attorneys are not really good listeners – that they are uncomfortable in the face of emotion and conflict. So with a new client, I begin by putting them at ease and carefully creating a space – a “safe container” -  wherein it is OK for them to tell me what’s going on in their life right now. Unless specifically asked, I don’t jump in with legal theories and constructs. There will be plenty of time for that. It’s important that this person “has permission” to talk to me about their interests, worries and concerns. Only then can I build up the trust and rapport needed to guide my client on a meaningful journey to a truly authentic outcome.

In Hawaii, where I grew up, the culture of the Islands invites everyone to “talk story”. That, in a nutshell, is what it’s all about.