Archive for the ‘Collaborative Family Law’ Category

It’s not often that you see or hear the terms “collaboration” or “cooperation” in conjunction with the high-stakes, often ego-driven world of professional sports. But, by gosh and by golly, those are precisely the words we are hearing here in Seattle in connection with the much-beleaguered Seattle Seahawks. Not long after former USC Mega-Coach Pete Carroll was introduced, to great fan fare, as the ‘Hawks new head coach, it was announced that John Schneider – now formerly with the Green Bay Packers – has become the team’s new General Manager.

The big news is: According to Seattle Seahawks CEO Tod Leiweke, Mr. Schneider will work in conjunction with Coach Carroll in a new Seahawks’ structure that will have the GM and head coach working in a collaborative partnership on personnel decisions.

Now that, my friends, is a new twist on things.

Typically, professional sports organizations establish their administrative/managerial structure in a vertical “top/down” manner. A Head Honcho is hired who makes on and off the field personnel decisions, from who the head coach is, to which players to draft, trade for, or sign in free agency. The head coach, in turn, decides who will be his/her assistants, and trains and manages the team.

Apparently, the intention with the Seahawks is that Pete Carroll and John Schneider will work together in a mutually cooperative fashion to build and structure the football team through trades, the draft, and free agency. They, in turn will work closely with Mr. Leiweke on these personnel decisions. Coach Carroll, of course, will be the field manager of the team.

How refreshing is this!

John Clayton, the well known national and local Senior Football Analyst, has referred to this set up as a “three-headed” monster. This is certainly an understandable reaction to a very unorthodox way of doing business in professional football, where people are paid millions of dollars to make key decisions, and typically have strong personalities and egos to match their stature.

It is, of course, way too early to judge any of this. At the end of the day wins, as in “Going to the Superbowl”, will most certainly define the long term success of this “experiment”.

The Seattle Seahawks are to be commended for striving to create maximum efficiency and reward through cooperative problem solving. Let’s give this experiment some breathing room and see what happens!

“‘Where do you live?’ the middle aged businessman asked the nine-year old girl sitting next to him on the plane.  ‘I live with my dad in Oregon and my mom in California.’ ‘I mean, where do you live?’ the businessman persisted. ‘I live with my dad in the summers and my mom during school time.’ ‘I understand honey,’ he said, ‘but where is your real home?’ The little girl looked as puzzled as her seatmate. Then she explained: ‘I have two real homes. My mom’s house and my dad’s house.’”

This beautiful passage is quoted from one of the seminal works on family separation and transition, “Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Two Homes for Your Child” (Simon & Shuster, 1997) by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. All too frequently, however, children and parents facing separation and divorce do not experience this functional and smooth blend of acceptance, clean transition, new emotional and psychological boundaries, and renewed  attachments and bonding. Divorce provides a potential recipe for confusion about the presence or absence of one or the other of the parents.

In her book, “Ambiguous Loss: Learning To Live With Unresolved Grief” (Harvard University Press, 1999), Pauline Boss talks about how “The family event of divorce . . . can be better understood and managed by everyone involved if it is viewed as an ambiguous loss.” The marriage has been lost, for example, but parenting continues. It’s important to both validate and confirm to children this change in the marital relationship, and at the same time stress what remains the same in their family. Boss continues: “Identifying what has been lost and grieving it while also identifying the connections that continue in their lives is a healthier approach for children than simply saying, ‘Mommy and Daddy don’t love each other any more, but they will always love you.’”

What can make a divorce especially painful and difficult, according to Ms. Boss,  is the ambiguity and unresolved loss that often accompanies it. This can be exacerbated by the parents creating confusion as to “who’s in and who’s out” in the family. She gives the example of the family photo. How many times do parents, in their anger and grief, arrange to have the now-divorced parent excised from the photo? Other examples are parents who are uncomfortable attending children-focused events if the other parent is there; children who make the rounds of multiple homes during holidays. In the end, Ms. Boss notes, children become ambivalent about seeing the other parent because tension is so high.

As we approach and experience the holidays this year, let’s take time to look at what should be important and precious in all our lives: love, connection, acceptance, presence, continuity and stability, and family.

I hope you have a wonderful, peace filled Holiday and a happy and joyous New Year!

Don Desonier

“We take people at their most fragile, and set them adrift.”

No, this is not cocktail chatter between a divorce lawyer and a guest at a Christmas party. It is a line by George Clooney from his most recent film, “Up in the Air”. Mr. Clooney’s job is to fire people – he is hired to deliver this bad news by companies who are about to lay off their employees.

George Clooney could so easily be talking about where spouses and partners find themselves when they are entering the offices of a family law attorney. They can be vulnerable, raw, frightened, fragile, and feeling rudderless. Like individuals losing their jobs, people who are about to divorce or separate are facing the end of a big chapter in their lives. At the same time, they are transitioning to a new journey filled with uncertainty, anxiety and fear.

How their family law attorney handles their case can have a significant impact on whether these women and men have the experience of being “set adrift”. The lawyers can influence, define and shape the emotional climate or environment within which the divorce case proceeds. Is the other attorney viewed as merely “opposing counsel”? Is it important as part of their legal advocacy for attorneys to understand the authentic priorities and interests of their clients through careful and curious inquiry? Is what their partner or spouse wants of any importance in the discussion?

In a divorce matter, children’s emotional environment is most shaped by how their parents handle conflict and model respectful resolution. Their lawyers can provide them many cues. If the attorney approaches divorce as an adversarial process with an “us vs. them” mentality, then that is what it will become – a battle, a confrontation. As Abraham Maslow once said: “When the only tool you have is a hammer, it is tempting to treat everything as if it were a nail.”

In the December 2009 issue of the King County Bar Bulletin, a colleague and I co-authored an article entitled “The New (Decade) Lawyer”. You can read it here. In essence, we speak to the evolution of lawyers from gladiators and legal rights warriors, to conflict resolution specialists and efficient problem solvers. They choose to look at the big picture, and view effective and respectful settlement as mutual goal of both lawyers. And, clients are increasingly desirous of being active and involved partners in their cases. They expect their lawyers to be empowering, empathetic, sensitive to their true needs, and good listeners.

The days of “one size fits all” lawyering are behind us. Family law attorneys have the ability to be supportive and caring advocates to their clients in distress. Nobody needs to feel lost and adrift!

As sanyone who knows me is well aware, I epitomize the definition of a baseball fan. I live and breath baseball. My wife is used to my yearly spring optimism – “This will be the Mariners’ year!”

So it is with dismay that, intermixed with the excitement of the baseball playoffs, I read about the divisive, rancorous and very public divorce proceedings currently brewing between Frank & Jamie McCourt. Frank McCourt owns the Los Angeles Dodgers, though to be fair this characterization is apparently a contentious issue. This proceeding has just started, and it’s already out of control. Accusations and cross-accusations. Mr. McCourt firing Ms. McCourt as the Dodgers CEO. Allegations of an affair. And their respective divorce attorneys do not appear to be shy about sharing with the media their clients’ respective positions and entitlements. The McCourts have four adult sons and have been married for 30 years.

I am not naive to recognize that very public – and extremely wealthy – individuals lead very different lives from you and me. And there can be many factors, circumstances and complexities that impact family law matters. At the same time, the McCourts are adult human beings capable of making choices and decisions on the path they take in bringing closure to this long term relationship. They can become aware of how their choices model to their sons how best to resolve conflict. One option is the collaborative divorce process, where spouses can choose to work together to create a mutually acceptable solution in the spirit of peace and dignity.

Foul ball or home run? You can decide!

There was a recent article in the New York Times Sunday Styles section entitled “Guilt Trip Casserole”. It focused on the stress associated with parents getting their teenagers together at the dinner table. Here’s an interesting revelation mentioned in the article from the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse: Teenagers who eat with their families less than three times a week are more likely to turn to alcohol and drugs than those who dine with their families five times a week.

When I was growing up, my sisters and I always sat at the dinner table with my mom and dad. It was a culture, a tradition, fostered by my parents to create connection and  togetherness: Family Time. It would never have occurred to us kids to ask if we could watch T.V. while eating supper.

When you and your children are experiencing the stress associated with divorce or separation, here is a key tip: stay emotionally close to your children. Yes, today this is a hard thing to do. Kids today are used to “multitasking” – which can include, if you let them, talking, texting, instant messaging,  and eating dinner at the same time! A big part of what you can do to help your children at this time in their lives, is to let them know it’s OK for them  to share with you their fears, concerns and feelings. Make eye contact. Let them know you are there for them and care. Listen. No T.V. No cell phones. Just you and your children. Together.