Ethically, it is an inherent conflict of interest for one attorney to provide legal advice and guidance to each partner in a separation or divorce. That does not mean, however, that the default is hiring two attorneys who are simply going to go to their corners and come out fighting. How many times have I heard this: “We just want to work with one attorney. We’ve got an agreement, and we’re not fighting over things!” ”

To start with, it is always my advice that, as things are sorted out in a divorce or separation, making an informed decision is important. Getting independent legal advice and assistance from an attorney does not mean, necessarily, hiring that attorney at great cost. Many attorneys act as legal coaches for individuals who, though needing help, don’t want the “full meal deal”. The attorney, in the role of legal coach, can work with their client to tailor their assistance by means of a Limited Legal Representation Agreement. The other partner or spouse can also consult a legal coach. The end result is both individuals getting legal guidance defined by their individual needs.

Occasionally, it is only one partner or spouse who decides they need legal help, and the other chooses not to seek assistance. After all, there is no law that says: “Thou shalt consult an attorney”. Yet often both people would like to, if at all possible, meet together to review documents the attorney has drafted, negotiate unresolved matters, etc. If I am assisting one individual as their legal coach, I have no problem meeting with my client and the other partner, together. It is important in that context that my role is carefully and specifically defined. I thus have the unrepresented individual sign a document acknowledging I am not their attorney, that I am assisting their spouse, that they are engaging in discussions voluntarily and without coercion, and are aware of their right to consult an attorney of their own choosing. I do not give that individual legal advice.

If you are interested in finding attorneys who are supportive of individuals working things out cooperatively and may be able to serve in a legal coaching role, you can go to the King County Collaborative Law website: http://www.kingcountycollab.org. Click on “Find a Professional”. In the drop down list, click on “Family Law Attorneys”. All of these attorneys are fully trained collaborative law professionals. Many of them have a legal coach “niche” as part of their overall legal practice.

It is possible to navigate the family law waters safely and in a non-adversarial atmosphere. You just need to know where to turn!

And with age, comes wisdom. Let me explain.

There was a time many moons ago when, in the very first interview with a client I had not before met, I would spend an hour gleaning facts, information and data from this individual. Then, unabashedly, I would then expound on their purported legal rights and likely court outcome. I did not know anything about their spouse and his or her perspective on things. I had gathered no detailed financial information. I had no knowledge of the client’s children and their best interests. And most importantly, I had absolutely no clue as to the client’s authentic interests and priorities, and how they may influence their decision making regarding a durable settlement. That’s because I didn’t ask. And I didn’t listen. It seemed at the time more important to “get the facts, ma’am, just the facts”. In fact, that was the model taught in law school “back in the day”: fact gathering and issue spotting.

It is virtually impossible for a lawyer in that first interview to lay out to a new client their full legal rights and likely court outcome. So when you are doing your due diligence and interviewing family law attorneys, be skeptical of any claim or “come on” that purports to guarantee that the lawyer will be able, in that first, initial session, to explain all your legal rights and predict the probable court outcome. That simply can’t happen.

Be informed. Be wise. And ensure that the attorney you decide to engage is a good listener, and wants to know what you want.

“When Teresa told me she wanted out of our marriage, the pain was unbearable.  The divorce left me devastated. It’s been two years now, and I feel like my life has been at a standstill the whole time.”

“Heather & Phil”:

“Phil and I were not happy. But I thought we were committed to working through things. So when he suddenly left me,  it felt like a slap in the face. I just don’t know how to move forward from here.”

In his book,  “Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes”, William Bridges states that whenever change occurs, a transition follows. Transition can be defined as ” . . . the internal emotional process we go through in dealing with a change in our lives.”1

Transitions, according to Mr. Bridges,  consist of three distinct phases: “The Ending”, “The Wilderness Period”, and “The New Beginning”.

The Ending:

In the above hypothetical examples, Steve and Heather have each  experienced an external change in their lives: the end of a relationship. This can be painful, filled with grief and loss. However, the “end” in these instances is the substantive event, and is, in effect, the starting point for the transition which must follow for  Heather and Steve to be healthy and to move forward.  That involves, among others things, a true “letting go” of what has ended.

The Wilderness Period

This has been variously described as the “neutral zone” or “down time”. Allowing oneself to grieve, experiencing anxiety and depression, facing uncertainty and lack of direction, are all part of wading through the wilderness period. And, it is an experience that is unique to each individual. There is no template. But for there to be healing and “resurrection”, this stage cannot be ignored.

I teach a  parenting seminar  in King County, WA. It is attended primarily by people going through separation or divorce. I am constantly emphasizing the experience of transition that parents and caregivers, and their children, experience.  Tools to help this transition be meaningful  are self-reflection, self-awareness and self-care. This “down time” is a critical step, the crux, as it were, of transition.

The New Beginning

Mr. Bridges states that you come to the new beginning only at the end – that is, only after ” . . . you have completed the ending and the wilderness phases of a transition.”1

When painful events occur, regardless of their source, “transition” is a critical and necessary part of healing, closure, and forward progress. Embrace it!

1.  “The Caregiver Helpbook: Powerful Tools for Caregivers”, 2nd edition, referencing “Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes”, by William Bridges.

Stories: they are the fabric that weaves throughout our lives and are the threads that bring us together – bind us -  as human beings. Without the enriching power of stories, our worlds would be very empty indeed and devoid of intimacy and life. Sharing our fears, joys, sorrows and triumphs, or simply how our day was – that’s what families, loved ones, and friends do with each other.

Pauline Boss, Ph.D., states that a real challenge for families in today’s world is to maintain connections. “Unless there is some time for being together psychologically – emotionally and cognitively – the psychological family may disappear. Without time for talking, laughing, arguing, sharing stories, and showing affection, we are just a collection of people who share the same refrigerator.”* In Hawai’i where I grew up, this was called “talking story”.

So let’s foster  a new “culture of connection”, shall we! The next time you sit down with your family for dinner, ask that your children shut down the iPhone, put away the iPad, turn off the X-Box, disengage from the Wii, so you can be together as a family. And that goes for you too: no Blackberry at the dinner table! And yes, perhaps you will get the occasional eye-rolls. Hang in there: it’s a good thing.

* “Ambiguous Loss: Learning To Live With Unresolved Grief”, Pauline Boss, Ph.D., at pg. 57 (Harvard University Press, 1999)

In the most recent episode, mom and dad are reviewing their 15 y/o daughter’s cell bill and are angry at the several hundred dollar total – with the discovery many calls and texts are to one number. They call the number and are  appalled to hear a youthful outgoing message laden with the hip slang popular with kids but foreign – and threatening – to these parents. Filled with fear and protectionism,  they burst into their daughter’s room, hack into her computer and discover she’s “Facebook Official” with a young man whom she’s been secretly dating for a month.

They confront their daughter and reveal all this information, leading her to decry this invasion of privacy. She accuses them  of going “Homeland Security” on her. They ground her, she sneaks out of her room, they track down the boyfriend’s home to “check out the parents”, etc., etc.

A key scene is when dad finds his daughter and is driving her back home.  Not unexpectedly, a “battle royale” ensues, something along the lines of:

“I can’t believe you sneaked out like that. You are grounded. No computer. No cell phone.”

“What! You invaded my privacy! You have no right! And, you haven’t even met Steve!”

“You have been dating him a month without telling us!”

“It’s my life!”

“We’re your parents!”

“What you did with my computer  is illegal! It’s my room!”

“You’re living in our home!”

Does this conversation sound familiar? Parents full of real fear and concern for their children’s safety and well being. Kids feeling their parents don’t understand them, trust them and respect them.  Problem is, those underlying feelings, worries and anxieties are not being expressed and are not being heard. So, the positional and confrontational “discussion” fuels and reinforces the daughter’s anger and belief her parents have no clue and don’t respect and trust her. Dad can’t understand why her daughter doesn’t see the potential danger in what she’s doing and that he and mom are doing all this “for her own good”.

There is a free mediation program provided through the City of Bellevue called “Parent-Teen Mediation”. Real parents and real teens are trained to co-mediate disputes, disagreements and difficulties between parents and their children. The program recognizes the difficult challenges that accompany the transition of children to adolescents. The mediators listen to the parents and the teens without blaming or finding fault, around issues related to school, home, rules, dating, etc.

You can find more information about this tremendous program here.

This is what mediators do: help people get below the surface anger and accusations, to authentic listening around fears, interests, concerns and anxieties. Only then can a bridge be built  to true communication!

The big news is: According to Seattle Seahawks CEO Tod Leiweke, Mr. Schneider will work in conjunction with Coach Carroll in a new Seahawks’ structure that will have the GM and head coach working in a collaborative partnership on personnel decisions.

Now that, my friends, is a new twist on things.

Typically, professional sports organizations establish their administrative/managerial structure in a vertical “top/down” manner. A Head Honcho is hired who makes on and off the field personnel decisions, from who the head coach is, to which players to draft, trade for, or sign in free agency. The head coach, in turn, decides who will be his/her assistants, and trains and manages the team.

Apparently, the intention with the Seahawks is that Pete Carroll and John Schneider will work together in a mutually cooperative fashion to build and structure the football team through trades, the draft, and free agency. They, in turn will work closely with Mr. Leiweke on these personnel decisions. Coach Carroll, of course, will be the field manager of the team.

How refreshing is this!

John Clayton, the well known national and local Senior Football Analyst, has referred to this set up as a “three-headed” monster. This is certainly an understandable reaction to a very unorthodox way of doing business in professional football, where people are paid millions of dollars to make key decisions, and typically have strong personalities and egos to match their stature.

It is, of course, way too early to judge any of this. At the end of the day wins, as in “Going to the Superbowl”, will most certainly define the long term success of this “experiment”.

The Seattle Seahawks are to be commended for striving to create maximum efficiency and reward through cooperative problem solving. Let’s give this experiment some breathing room and see what happens!

This beautiful passage is quoted from one of the seminal works on family separation and transition, “Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Two Homes for Your Child” (Simon & Shuster, 1997) by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. All too frequently, however, children and parents facing separation and divorce do not experience this functional and smooth blend of acceptance, clean transition, new emotional and psychological boundaries, and renewed  attachments and bonding. Divorce provides a potential recipe for confusion about the presence or absence of one or the other of the parents.

In her book, “Ambiguous Loss: Learning To Live With Unresolved Grief” (Harvard University Press, 1999), Pauline Boss talks about how “The family event of divorce . . . can be better understood and managed by everyone involved if it is viewed as an ambiguous loss.” The marriage has been lost, for example, but parenting continues. It’s important to both validate and confirm to children this change in the marital relationship, and at the same time stress what remains the same in their family. Boss continues: “Identifying what has been lost and grieving it while also identifying the connections that continue in their lives is a healthier approach for children than simply saying, ‘Mommy and Daddy don’t love each other any more, but they will always love you.’”

What can make a divorce especially painful and difficult, according to Ms. Boss,  is the ambiguity and unresolved loss that often accompanies it. This can be exacerbated by the parents creating confusion as to “who’s in and who’s out” in the family. She gives the example of the family photo. How many times do parents, in their anger and grief, arrange to have the now-divorced parent excised from the photo? Other examples are parents who are uncomfortable attending children-focused events if the other parent is there; children who make the rounds of multiple homes during holidays. In the end, Ms. Boss notes, children become ambivalent about seeing the other parent because tension is so high.

As we approach and experience the holidays this year, let’s take time to look at what should be important and precious in all our lives: love, connection, acceptance, presence, continuity and stability, and family.

I hope you have a wonderful, peace filled Holiday and a happy and joyous New Year!

Don Desonier

No, this is not cocktail chatter between a divorce lawyer and a guest at a Christmas party. It is a line by George Clooney from his most recent film, “Up in the Air”. Mr. Clooney’s job is to fire people – he is hired to deliver this bad news by companies who are about to lay off their employees.

George Clooney could so easily be talking about where spouses and partners find themselves when they are entering the offices of a family law attorney. They can be vulnerable, raw, frightened, fragile, and feeling rudderless. Like individuals losing their jobs, people who are about to divorce or separate are facing the end of a big chapter in their lives. At the same time, they are transitioning to a new journey filled with uncertainty, anxiety and fear.

How their family law attorney handles their case can have a significant impact on whether these women and men have the experience of being “set adrift”. The lawyers can influence, define and shape the emotional climate or environment within which the divorce case proceeds. Is the other attorney viewed as merely “opposing counsel”? Is it important as part of their legal advocacy for attorneys to understand the authentic priorities and interests of their clients through careful and curious inquiry? Is what their partner or spouse wants of any importance in the discussion?

In a divorce matter, children’s emotional environment is most shaped by how their parents handle conflict and model respectful resolution. Their lawyers can provide them many cues. If the attorney approaches divorce as an adversarial process with an “us vs. them” mentality, then that is what it will become – a battle, a confrontation. As Abraham Maslow once said: “When the only tool you have is a hammer, it is tempting to treat everything as if it were a nail.”

In the December 2009 issue of the King County Bar Bulletin, a colleague and I co-authored an article entitled “The New (Decade) Lawyer”. You can read it here. In essence, we speak to the evolution of lawyers from gladiators and legal rights warriors, to conflict resolution specialists and efficient problem solvers. They choose to look at the big picture, and view effective and respectful settlement as mutual goal of both lawyers. And, clients are increasingly desirous of being active and involved partners in their cases. They expect their lawyers to be empowering, empathetic, sensitive to their true needs, and good listeners.

The days of “one size fits all” lawyering are behind us. Family law attorneys have the ability to be supportive and caring advocates to their clients in distress. Nobody needs to feel lost and adrift!

So it is with dismay that, intermixed with the excitement of the baseball playoffs, I read about the divisive, rancorous and very public divorce proceedings currently brewing between Frank & Jamie McCourt. Frank McCourt owns the Los Angeles Dodgers, though to be fair this characterization is apparently a contentious issue. This proceeding has just started, and it’s already out of control. Accusations and cross-accusations. Mr. McCourt firing Ms. McCourt as the Dodgers CEO. Allegations of an affair. And their respective divorce attorneys do not appear to be shy about sharing with the media their clients’ respective positions and entitlements. The McCourts have four adult sons and have been married for 30 years.

I am not naive to recognize that very public – and extremely wealthy – individuals lead very different lives from you and me. And there can be many factors, circumstances and complexities that impact family law matters. At the same time, the McCourts are adult human beings capable of making choices and decisions on the path they take in bringing closure to this long term relationship. They can become aware of how their choices model to their sons how best to resolve conflict. One option is the collaborative divorce process, where spouses can choose to work together to create a mutually acceptable solution in the spirit of peace and dignity.

Foul ball or home run? You can decide!

When I was growing up, my sisters and I always sat at the dinner table with my mom and dad. It was a culture, a tradition, fostered by my parents to create connection and  togetherness: Family Time. It would never have occurred to us kids to ask if we could watch T.V. while eating supper.

When you and your children are experiencing the stress associated with divorce or separation, here is a key tip: stay emotionally close to your children. Yes, today this is a hard thing to do. Kids today are used to “multitasking” – which can include, if you let them, talking, texting, instant messaging,  and eating dinner at the same time! A big part of what you can do to help your children at this time in their lives, is to let them know it’s OK for them  to share with you their fears, concerns and feelings. Make eye contact. Let them know you are there for them and care. Listen. No T.V. No cell phones. Just you and your children. Together.