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Many couples today want a simple, cooperative, non-confrontational way of getting legal help without taking out a second mortgage. Or, they don’t want to hire separate attorneys who may just sabotage all the hard work they’ve done in creating the framework of an agreement. “We know what we want. We’re not fighting. Let’s consult one attorney to provide us both legal advice and help with the paperwork.”

Ethically, one attorney cannot be hired  to provide legal advice and guidance to each partner in a separation or divorce. It is a conflict of interest. Yet, as things are being sorted out in a family law matter where important, often life changing choices are being made,  making an informed decision is important.  That usually means each individual getting separate, independent legal advice. That does not mean, however, that the default is retaining two attorneys who are simply going to go to their corners and come out fighting. Nor does getting independent legal advice and guidance from an attorney  mean engaging that attorney at great cost.

Many attorneys act as legal coaches for individuals who, though needing help, do not want the “full meal deal”. The attorney, in the role of legal coach, can work with their client to tailor their assistance to what the client needs. The other partner or spouse can also consult a legal coach. The end result is both individuals getting only the kind of legal help they truly require. It’s a sort of “ala carte” approach to legal assistance.

Occasionally, it is only one partner or spouse who decides they need legal help. Yet often both people would like to meet together to review documents the attorney has drafted, negotiate unresolved matters, etc. If I am assisting one individual as their legal coach, I have no problem meeting with my client and the other partner – together. In this context, I carefully define and  explain to the unrepresented person, in writing,  my role, while at the same time ensuring they understand their right to have independent legal advice.

If you are interested in finding attorneys who are supportive of individuals working things out cooperatively and may be able to serve in a legal coaching role, you can go to the King County Collaborative Law website: http://www.kingcountycollab.org. Click on “Find a Professional”. In the drop down list, click on “Professionals For Divorce And Family Law Cases”, then click on “Attorneys”. All of the lawyers listed here are fully supportive of spouses and partners reaching mutually cooperative agreements.  Many of them have a legal coach “niche” as part of their overall legal practice.

It is possible to navigate the family law waters safely and in a non-adversarial atmosphere. You just need to know where to turn!

There was an important hearing on June 3. With the possibility that the judge’s pending ruling may be none too pleasing for both sides, talks have gotten serious. Over the last several days, intense negotiations have been occurring in a secret location between the players’ representative, DeMaurice Smith, and various owners along with the NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. Most notably, these sessions have occurred without the presence of the attorneys for both sides. Significant progress was being made. By Tuesday, June 14,  it was decided that the attorneys should return to help address and  iron out the complex details of a possible resolution.

BAM! According to an ESPN.com report, things immediately went sideways – to the point where Mr. Smith apparently had to instruct  his attorneys to “stand down” – in short, leave the room. At that point, with the attorneys in absentia, it appears discussions calmed down and returned to their former productive ways. It was made clear in the report that at some point the attorneys will need to re-enter the picture to place any agreement into appropriate binding legalese.

So, what does this tell us? It tells us this: your attorney is your employee, not the other way around.

It is often a profound struggle for attorneys to “lead from behind” – to get out of their own way and empower their clients to make informed choices and decisions. It is practically in a lawyer’s DNA to be in charge – to direct the drama, control the agenda, and dictate the outcome.

I teach a course at Seattle University School of Law called: “Client Counseling & Negotiation”. I teach my students that lawyers are most effective when they serve the role of “Counselors at Law”. This means working in effect as a team with their clients for the purpose of helping them reach resolutions that address their authentic needs and interests, with the recognition that a durable agreement needs to address the interests of both sides.

If you are on a journey through a divorce or other family law matter, remember: you are in charge. It is your life and your resolution. Make sure you choose an attorney who truly listens to you and helps you discover and understand your priorities, needs and concerns – and then works with you to help your reach a satisfactory resolution that meets those needs.

Oprah’s last show was very heartfelt and honest. She has a knack for making you feel she is speaking directly to you, and that you are the most important person to her right then, right now.

In the course  of the broadcast, Oprah made one particular observation that spoke very strongly to me. In speaking to the very human need for validation, she said:

“Every single person you ever will meet shares that common desire [for validation]. They want to know:

• ‘Do you see me?’
• ‘Do you hear me?’
• ‘Does what I say mean anything to you?’”

I have spoken frequently in my blogs about the importance of authentic listening, being heard, and being present to others by exhibiting true empathy and understanding. This is not only true in the context of a divorce or separation. It’s true in every day life.

So the next time you are with a loved one or friend, know that the only moment that is important is that moment of now – for after all,  the past is history, the future is a mystery, but this moment is a gift. That’s why they call this moment, the present.

Indeed, much of who we are and what we say is framed by stories. “Wow. Let me tell you about the day I’ve had!” “Tell me about yourself.” “Why did I decide to discontinue litigation in my family law practice? Boy, that’s a long story!”  Stories give us the chance to create a narrative, share our feelings, vent, connect with our listener or take them on a journey. After all, what are books? Plays? Movies? They are vehicles by which stories are told.

When a divorce client comes into my office, they are frequently filled with anxiety, worry, anger, fear, and pain. They want to know that it is OK to share their story, but are hesitant to do so. Why is this? Well, the perception is that attorneys are not really good listeners – that they are uncomfortable in the face of emotion and conflict. So with a new client, I begin by putting them at ease and carefully creating a space – a “safe container” -  wherein it is OK for them to tell me what’s going on in their life right now. Unless specifically asked, I don’t jump in with legal theories and constructs. There will be plenty of time for that. It’s important that this person “has permission” to talk to me about their interests, worries and concerns. Only then can I build up the trust and rapport needed to guide my client on a meaningful journey to a truly authentic outcome.

In Hawaii, where I grew up, the culture of the Islands invites everyone to “talk story”. That, in a nutshell, is what it’s all about.

So, you might ask: “What exactly has been going on for 7 days, such that such major disagreements still remain?” One can only speculate, so let’s  do just that!

First of all, this last week has been the first time that any truly authentic and organized talks have taken place without posturing in the press and “not even close to the playing field” demands. It takes time for a mediator to guide the culture of conversation away from unrealistic high/low expectations and  proposals, to true dialogue where the NFL and the players can articulate and address their concerns, priorities, and interests. It is a a true paradigm shift.

A key and often difficult part of negotiations is identifying areas where there might be a fairly clear “zone of agreement”, and areas where both sides are way far apart. In  explaining this dynamic to mediation trainees, law  students or clients, I ask them to envision  a pyramid: the tippy-top of the pyramid – the point – is where lie the toughies – issues wherein there will be very difficult conversations. At its broad base are the lesser contentious issues, where agreement might be reached. An option in negotiation is to start at the top: “If we can get those issues resolved, the rest will fall like dominoes”. Or, one might start with the simpler issues at the base of the pyramid: “We are likely to fairly quickly resolve some of these collateral issues. Perhaps that will grease the agreement motor and thus make it easier to talk about the hard stuff.”

I suspect that the “progress” noted by Mr. Cohen may be interpreted as the parties having been able to identify their issues, pinpoint  where these issues fall on the pyramid, with accompanying successful discussion and perhaps even agreement around the “base topics”. Mixed into this, remember, is the hard work Mr. Cohen has been doing in his attempt to bring these high powered, sophisticated, high-ego parties from the parking lot to at least a place resembling the playing field of productive discussion.

Now, talks are scheduled to resume next Tuesday, March 1. Everyone needs a break right now. The representatives for the NFL and the players need to report to the owners and the players. Due to the highly contentious “tip of the pyramid” issues that remain unresolved, it is entirely possible – even likely – that there will be a lock out come midnight, March 3. Once owners start losing money and the players see the possibility of losing game checks – the real bargaining will begin.

So take a deep breath! The party has just begun.

No better example of this is the lengthy, protracted “negotiations” between the National Football League (NFL) and the National Football League Players’ Association (NFLPA). These two parties have known for years that the deadline to renegotiate a new Collective Bargaining Agreement is midnight, March 3, 2011. If no deal is struck by that time, it is likely the NFL will initiate a lockout of the players. It is just as likely the players’ union will seek steps towards decertification. In short, everything in the National Football League will come to a screeching halt.

Mind you, there have been some talks.  These ended in November, 2010,  and picked up again when the NFL and the NFLPA got together a couple of Saturdays ago to set an aggressive agenda and schedule of negotiation sessions. During next real negotiation session, the players  made a proposal to the NFL owners.  In a showing of shock, dismay and disagreement, the owners took their ball and left the field. Nothing further was scheduled until . . . . .

The Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service – FMCS -  entered the scene! Briefly, under the Labor-Management Act of 1947, FMCS provides free mediation services in contract negotiation disputes between employers and their unionized employees. All the parties have to do is make a request. So, a request was indeed made.

A mediator is a neutral third party professional who sits with those in conflict  and helps them have a constructive dialogue around the issues in dispute. The goal of the neutral, among others, is to create a safe and confidential container within which these often difficult and emotionally charged conversations can occur.

If a mediator had been present during the last, aborted negotiation session, he or she – or they in a co-mediation model – would have intervened and helped the NFL owners understand the value of continuing to sit at the bargaining table to work through the impasse created by the players’ proposal.

A key aspect of mediation is the element of confidentiality. There will be no more negotiations through the media, or representatives tossing out barbs for public consumption. George H. Cohen, the director of the FMCS, has stated that due to its standing policy, there will be no public comment about future scheduling and/or the status of the negotiations, which is as it should be.

The first mediator guided  negotiation session is  is set for Friday, February 18. Under a structured and orderly mediation process, the real work of creating an authentic, durable, and mutually acceptable resolution can begin.

On February 16, 2011, at noon CST, the deadline established by famed St. Louis Cardinal  star Albert Pujols came and went without a new contract agreement being worked out between himself and the Cardinals.  Mr. Pujols is entering the last year of his contract this 2011 baseball season. The Cardinals and Mr. Pujols, through his agent, had been working for many months  on a contract extension. The last offer provided by the ball club was purportedly for 8 years and $200,000,000 – guaranteed. It is believed Mr. Pujols is seeking a 10 year, $300,000,000  guaranteed contract. He has stated he will not continue negotiations during the baseball season, and will become a free agent at its conclusion – meaning any team, St. Louis included,  can bid for his services.

Stan Musial spent his entire career with the Cardinals. To date, Albert Pujols has spent his entire career with the Cardinals. Both ball players had and have  sterling and indisputable baseball skills and stats, easily the best ball players in their respective eras.

So we ponder: what is important in sports negotiations? What interests and priorities of the player most influence their decisions? For Stan Musial, we can surmise  he put a huge value on his playing and being his best, and measured his financial worth to the team by his performance and the high standards he set for himself. And, it would appear, it was important to him to stay with the team that birthed him. I’m sure there was a sense of loyalty and commitment to the ball club, the St. Louis community, and his family. Now it should be noted Stan Musial wasn’t being tempted with the kind of money routinely paid to today’s ball players. And free agency came to Major League Baseball in 1975, twelve years after Mr. Musial retired.

Edgar Martinez, arguably the greatest Designated Hitter of all time,  spent his entire career with the Seattle Mariners. Never were his salary negotiations a matter of public fodder. He periodically – and quietly -  renegotiated his contract throughout the course of his playing days. He could have easily commanded tremendous offers from other clubs should he have chosen to go on the open market. But he didn’t. He valued the team that gave him a chance to play a child’s game. He placed high importance on his family and his community. He still lives in the Seattle area.

Albert Pujols is highly respected by his peers, the St. Louis Cardinals organization, and his community. He is revered and is a legend.  He too places high standards on himself. He prepares as hard as the rest of the players on his team, if not harder. And there is nothing to suggest Mr. Pujols doesn’t respect his community and the Cardinals, and that he is not concerned with what’s best for his family.  It seems important, though,  that in making his decisions, he looks at the bigger picture as well as the dollars. What is truly and authentically important to him and his family? What does financial security really mean? What other, perhaps more immeasurable and intangible,  criteria play – or should play – into this decision other than being the highest paid professional baseball player on the planet.

There is a saying in baseball: You will never be treated any better than by the team that gave you your start.

I have written frequently about the benefits of engaging in the Collaborative Family Law process. This dispute resolution model is widely accepted both nationally and internationally as a valid and efficient alternative to traditional legal processes.

For more information, click here for an excellent article describing Collaborative Divorce.

Don

Accounts vary as to what exactly transpired the next day. It appears, however, that the coach told Young to leave the team’s practice facility, intent on conveying to the quarterback his behavior would not be tolerated.

A couple of days later, Vince Young apologized to his coach – by text!

Really?

I have written, taught and spoken around the importance of clear, authentic communication, transparency, listening and clarity. In a parenting seminar presented  to spouses and partners enmeshed in family law matters. I emphasize the importance of emotional connection between parents and children, which includes having time with each other devoid of external distractions such as mobile devices, texting, tweeting, etc.

The best bridge to acknowledgement, accountability, apology and forgiveness is personal interaction and dialogue- preferably face to face, but at minimum on the telephone. Vince Young, unfortunately, has modeled what is becoming all to common today: avoiding having a difficult conversation person to person by hiding behind the wall of an impersonal text.

I noted with interest that Yoko Ono and her son, Sean Lennon, joined a national oral-history project. It urged people to  take time the day after Thanksgiving this year for a National Day of Listening with friends and loved ones.

Amen.