In my experience, it is all to common for two sides in a contentious and partisan  negotiation to dither and moan, “pick a little, talk a little”, until, at the proverbial 11th hour, they get down to the real business of getting things done.

No better example of this is the lengthy, protracted “negotiations” between the National Football League (NFL) and the National Football League Players’ Association (NFLPA). These two parties have known for years that the deadline to renegotiate a new Collective Bargaining Agreement is midnight, March 3, 2011. If no deal is struck by that time, it is likely the NFL will initiate a lockout of the players. It is just as likely the players’ union will seek steps towards decertification. In short, everything in the National Football League will come to a screeching halt.

Mind you, there have been some talks.  These ended in November, 2010,  and picked up again when the NFL and the NFLPA got together a couple of Saturdays ago to set an aggressive agenda and schedule of negotiation sessions. During next real negotiation session, the players  made a proposal to the NFL owners.  In a showing of shock, dismay and disagreement, the owners took their ball and left the field. Nothing further was scheduled until . . . . .

The Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service – FMCS -  entered the scene! Briefly, under the Labor-Management Act of 1947, FMCS provides free mediation services in contract negotiation disputes between employers and their unionized employees. All the parties have to do is make a request. So, a request was indeed made.

A mediator is a neutral third party professional who sits with those in conflict  and helps them have a constructive dialogue around the issues in dispute. The goal of the neutral, among others, is to create a safe and confidential container within which these often difficult and emotionally charged conversations can occur.

If a mediator had been present during the last, aborted negotiation session, he or she – or they in a co-mediation model – would have intervened and helped the NFL owners understand the value of continuing to sit at the bargaining table to work through the impasse created by the players’ proposal.

A key aspect of mediation is the element of confidentiality. There will be no more negotiations through the media, or representatives tossing out barbs for public consumption. George H. Cohen, the director of the FMCS, has stated that due to its standing policy, there will be no public comment about future scheduling and/or the status of the negotiations, which is as it should be.

The first mediator guided  negotiation session is  is set for Friday, February 18. Under a structured and orderly mediation process, the real work of creating an authentic, durable, and mutually acceptable resolution can begin.

A new TV show my wife and I have come to enjoy is “Parenthood”: Well acted, funny, serious and enjoyable. And: lots and lots of “drama and  angst” between befuddled and scared  parents and their teen aged children.

In the most recent episode, mom and dad are reviewing their 15 y/o daughter’s cell bill and are angry at the several hundred dollar total – with the discovery many calls and texts are to one number. They call the number and are  appalled to hear a youthful outgoing message laden with the hip slang popular with kids but foreign – and threatening – to these parents. Filled with fear and protectionism,  they burst into their daughter’s room, hack into her computer and discover she’s “Facebook Official” with a young man whom she’s been secretly dating for a month.

They confront their daughter and reveal all this information, leading her to decry this invasion of privacy. She accuses them  of going “Homeland Security” on her. They ground her, she sneaks out of her room, they track down the boyfriend’s home to “check out the parents”, etc., etc.

A key scene is when dad finds his daughter and is driving her back home.  Not unexpectedly, a “battle royale” ensues, something along the lines of:

“I can’t believe you sneaked out like that. You are grounded. No computer. No cell phone.”

“What! You invaded my privacy! You have no right! And, you haven’t even met Steve!”

“You have been dating him a month without telling us!”

“It’s my life!”

“We’re your parents!”

“What you did with my computer  is illegal! It’s my room!”

“You’re living in our home!”

Does this conversation sound familiar? Parents full of real fear and concern for their children’s safety and well being. Kids feeling their parents don’t understand them, trust them and respect them.  Problem is, those underlying feelings, worries and anxieties are not being expressed and are not being heard. So, the positional and confrontational “discussion” fuels and reinforces the daughter’s anger and belief her parents have no clue and don’t respect and trust her. Dad can’t understand why her daughter doesn’t see the potential danger in what she’s doing and that he and mom are doing all this “for her own good”.

There is a free mediation program provided through the City of Bellevue called “Parent-Teen Mediation”. Real parents and real teens are trained to co-mediate disputes, disagreements and difficulties between parents and their children. The program recognizes the difficult challenges that accompany the transition of children to adolescents. The mediators listen to the parents and the teens without blaming or finding fault, around issues related to school, home, rules, dating, etc.

You can find more information about this tremendous program here.

This is what mediators do: help people get below the surface anger and accusations, to authentic listening around fears, interests, concerns and anxieties. Only then can a bridge be built  to true communication!